When you meet with difficult people remember: it’s you who needs to change. ~ Anyen Rinpoche
I’m walking down the hill from McLeod Ganj to my house in Jogiwara Village and I’m dreading seeing “him” again.
It’s usually a pleasant walk but somedays…well, it is India after all.
Here’s what I mean:
There are piles cow shit, rotting trash and potholes filled with what I like to call “sewer-surprise”, that you always have to be on the lookout for. Then there’s the usual cast of a dozen or so beggars who get deep into your personal space when asking for money. Sometimes they’ll walk along with you for twenty yards, poking you in the ribs as they speak in broken but persistent English.
“Please. No money. Only buy milk.”
It’s a bit of scam really. I mean, their situation is desperate, for sure. They are stuck in a cycle of poverty and hopelessness that is only perpetuated by India’s confounding social ills. But the truth is, they ham it up quite a bit.
I once gave a young woman an old ten rupee note.
“Hey. This one is torn,” she said in perfect English. “How do you expect me to buy anything with this? Give me another one.”
It’s that air of entitlement, that assumption that I’m a westerner and am somehow bound by law to give to the poor that irks me the most.
Case in point.
A few months ago, I met a guy who works on the side of the very road I’m walking down today. He was nice enough and I got to know him to the point that I’d stop and sit for tea once in a while.
During our chats, I found out he lives down in the shanty town in Dharamsala, a complex of black tarp and bamboo pole “houses” with no water, light or heat. He has five kids yet somehow puts the oldest ones through school by cleaning people’s shoes and fixing broken zippers.
“You never gave me any present for Diwali,” he said one day as I was about to take a sip of chai. He was talking about the big Indian festival that’s a little like Christmas and the 4th of July all rolled into one. “Please, these days not so busy. Maybe you make one small gift of rice for me and my family.”
I felt a little betrayed. In fact, I was completely offended. My face got red and hot and without saying a word, I just got up and walked away.
I hate to admit it but after that I was pretty rude to him sometimes. This was only perpetuated by the fact that he kept hitting me up for money every time I saw him.
I tried to follow the advice from my teacher that I put at the top of this post, but I just couldn’t. It was unbelievable how difficult it was for me to even think it applied in this case. After all, I was the one being treated unfairly, right?
So every day for the past three months, I’ve walked down that hill hoping I wouldn’t have to bump into him again. I concocted stories in my head about how he abused my friendship, how he never saw me as true friend in the first place, but just a rich tourist.
Sometimes when I saw him there in the distance waiting to say hello to me, I just tightened up and walked faster, passing him by without so much as a smile.
I even convinced myself that by ignoring him I was engaging in what we Buddhists call “skillful means”. Sometimes you have to do things that don’t seem outwardly nice, but are really for the benefit of ourselves and others.
After all I thought, he was generating lots of negative karma by giving up his power and resorting to begging. If I didn’t give him the opportunity…blah, blah, blah.
What a cop-out.
So what’s really been going on here?
The truth is, my ego got hurt and I’ve been too proud to admit that it was me who’s been in the wrong here. I’ve been holding a grudge that was founded on nothing but a faulty premise. He asked me for help and I didn’t want to give it to him.
So as I’m walking down the hill today and see my old friend sitting on the side of the road, I’m dreading seeing him, not because I’m worried that he’s going ask me for money again, but because I’ve decided that I’m going to stop, say hello and maybe even shake his hand.
And that’s the scariest thing my ego’s faced in quite a long while…
If you’d like to do something to help those stuck in the cycle of poverty in North India, please click on this link Here.
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